This Scars Just a Fleck On My Porcelain Skin
by downtowndystopia
Summary: It had been three months since they broke up. It had been four months since Blaine joined McKinley. Kurt had moved on. So had Blaine. They were just two people who were once in love. Their Joy and Sadness brings their worlds to collide once again.
1. this scar's just a fleck

_This Scars Just a Fleck On My Porcelain Skin…_

It had been three months since they broke up. It had been four months since Blaine joined McKinley. Kurt had moved on. So had Blaine. They were just two people who were once in love. Nothing more and nothing less.

Kurt had moved on.

So when Mr. Schue had assigned them to sing a duet together it didn't mean anything. It really didn't. Who cares if Blaine one day decided he wasn't in love with Kurt? So what if they were just meant to be friends? So what if by "just friends" Blaine had seemed to mean that they were never going to talk again. So what if they had gone from holding hands and stealing kisses to barely acknowledging each other in the halls. So what if it killed Kurt every time he saw Blaine in the halls? So what if those small smiles of acknowledgment made his day, month, year and life? They were over.

Blaine had moved on.

Blaine didn't care when Kurt sang those songs that used to tear his heart up in a million emotions. Because they didn't have that effect anymore. They truly didn't. He never noticed how Kurt's smile made little beautiful laugh lines . He didn't notice how Kurt brought his bottom lip slightly into his mouth when singing a high note. He didn't notice when Kurt wore his hair spiked up instead of down. He didn't notice how sexy it looked and how he just wanted to tangle his fingers in it and kiss Kurt just once more. He didn't notice how beautiful and pink his lips were. He didn't think about how those perfect pink lips tasted like coffee and vanilla. He just didn't notice these things anymore.

They had moved on.

So surely it was no big deal when they Blaine decided on "you're ex-lover is dead" by stars. It was just a good song. It had no deeper meaning. Of course not.

They had barely spoken in three months, not out of anger. Kurt wasn't angry, neither was Blaine. They had just separated. So when Blaine sang the first line of the song, Kurt didn't smile, no it wasn't a smile.

_God that was strange to see you again  
>Introduced by a friend of a friend<br>Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'  
>In that instant it started to pour,<em>

Blaine remembered one of their first dates. They had gone to the lima bean to catch up. This was long before Blaine transferred. It was late October and it was slightly chilly out. They took their seats with their coffees. They had such an innocent love. Kurt would talk about the drama at McKinley while picking up some foam with his pink and licking it off with a smile. Blaine would talk about how hard the work at Dalton was. They'd speak and chat until they had finished their coffees. Sighing, knowing they'd have to go their separate ways yet again. Just as they had left the restaurant it started to drizzle and by the time they had gotten to their respective cars, it was by definition, pouring rain. Blaine suddenly took Kurt by the waist and looked deep into his eyes Kurt looked back with spirited curiosity and joy. In that moment Blaine kissed Kurt, in the rain. Kurt kissed back with full force. They separated and just looked at each other noses touching, feeling each other's coffee tinted breath on their cheeks. They stayed that way for a while until Blaine signed and gave Kurt a huge hug, promising to see him the next day as they went their separate ways. Kurt had always wanted to be kissed in the rain.

_Captured a taxi despite all the rain  
>We drove in silence across Pont Champlain<br>And all of the time you thought I was sad  
>I was trying to remember your name...<em>

One day during the summer Blaine has arrived at Kurt's doorstep at about 7 in the morning with a big goofy grin on his face. Kurt looked slightly annoyed but that subsided when Blaine told him that for their 5 month anniversary they were going to go on a road trip to Columbus to see Wicked. It would be about a two or three hour drive depending on the traffic and they were overjoyed to be able to spend so much one on one time with each other. The drive there was filled with singing and laughing and the consumption of sandwiches and diet coke that Blaine had brought with them. It had been one of those magical days that you remember forever. Seeing the sights, watching Elphaba on the big stage. Kurt would never forget that day.

Then Kurt's part came up. He sang the female part better than any girl could attempt of course. At least that's what Blaine thought.

_This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin  
>Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in<br>Now you're outside me  
>You see all the beauty<br>Repent all your sin_

Kurt remembered their first real fight. Blaine has been at McKinley a week. Kurt had been looking extra glum that day and Blaine had no clue why. He tried giving his boyfriend a hug and he was just pushed off. "Hey, what's the matter?" Kurt replied saying nothing was wrong, but Blaine didn't believe him. Kurt tried to walk away. "Kurt, why won't you ever open up to me? Its me, Blaine. You're _boyfriend_. I'm not going to judge you or hurt you. Please just tell me what's wrong." "Blaine just shut up. You have no clue." snapped Kurt. Blaine was taken aback by his boyfriend's tone. "What the _fuck _Kurt? I try to get you to open up, I just want you to trust me and you go into bitch mode!" Kurt looked as if he had been slapped, but quickly recoverd."I'm a bitch? Yeah well you'd be a bit of a bitch too if your mother death was six years ago today!" Kurt snapped. But his voice failed him and his eyes started to well up. He ran out of the hall before Blaine could see his true emotion. Blaine felt like an idiot, he felt horrible. He didn't even realize how cruel he was until now. They didn't speak for three days after that. Blaine tried, he tried hard but Kurt would just walk away or ignore him. After the third day they both ran into each other, quite literally in the hallway. Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes and saw how miserable he was. Kurt looked into Blaine's and saw how truly sorry he was. Blaine just whispered an "I'm so sorry Kurt". Kurt nodded his head a couple of times, eyes welling up again and tackled Blaine with a huge hug. Blaine returned it in full force and they were as strong as ever. For a while at least…

_It's nothing but time and a face that you lose  
>I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose<br>I'll write you a postcard  
>I'll send you the news<br>From a house down the road from real love..._

It was a Monday when Blaine ended it. Blaine didn't know what he was doing when he asked Kurt to the lima bean that day. All he knew was that he had to end it.

For Kurt.

Blaine had recently been thrown out of his home when the knowledge of Kurt and Blaine dating had been brought to William Anderson's attention via snooping through Blaine's facebook. Kurt had offered to let Blaine stay with him but he refused. He decided to move in with his aunt, who was much more open and lived much closer to McKinley anyways. Burt had recently had another heart attack, this one was slightly more serious than the other one and the chances of Burt surviving it were slim. Blaine could see Kurt deteriorating. Between Burt's sickness, college and Blaine having to sort out legal matters with his father, Kurt was fading. One day Blaine saw Kurt's smile and it just looked so forced. Then it hit Blaine. Kurt had been smiling like this for a long time. Blaine had gone on about his father and acting like it was the end of the world when Kurt's father was actually dying. Blaine hadn't realized how selfish he'd been and he knew in that moment that the only way to make Kurt smile for real again was to end it.

"Kurt. I don't know how to do this." Blaine started, Kurt's fake smile faded for a second before it came back even more stressed than before. "W-what do you mean Blaine?" Blaine took a deep breath in and spoke, trying to sound convincing. "What I mean is. I don't know how to tell someone that I've stopped loving them." Kurt's world stopped in that moment. Nothing mattered anymore except those words that had fallen so easily off Blaine's tongue. "Are you breaking up with me?" Kurt said, suppressing tears, trying to keep his calm, but in reality was wondering how in a moment his whole world could crash down on him. Blaine wanted to take everything back, he wanted to apologize and just hold hurt for the rest of his life. But he didn't. "Yes. I hope we can still be friends." That had done it for Kurt. He laughed a short, sarcastic laugh, tears feely pouring down his face, not caring what the people in the coffee shop thought. "Yeah. We can still be friends" assured Kurt, trying to sound convincing but failing . Then he just ran out of the shop, sobs breaking the sound barriers of Blaine's soul. But Blaine didn't go after him. He knew it was for the better, even if it did feel like it was for the absolute worse.

_Live through this, and you won't look back..._

The weeks after the breakup had been a blur for both the boys. They didn't acknowledge each other in the halls; they sat at opposite ends of the room during glee club. Blaine considered transferring but he couldn't bring himself to not see Kurt everyday, no matter how hard it was to see his porcelain face and not be able to kiss it, not be able to hold his fragile body and save him from the pains of the world. Blaine knew if he could just have Kurt get over him, Kurt would be able to be himself again. He wouldn't be burdened with Blaine and his problems anymore.

Then they both joined in for the last verse.

_There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave  
>You were what I wanted<br>I gave what I gave  
>I'm not sorry I met you<br>I'm not sorry it's over_

This was it. This was the closure. All those months Kurt spent thinking about Blaine. From their first sight in the staircase to their first kiss over Pavarotti's grave. From their first date at breadsticks as official boyfriends to their first 'I love you s" spoken in the lima bean. The months they spent cuddling and watching movies, the cuddles that escalated into heated make out sessions that lead to their first time together. Kurt had never regretted giving himself to Blaine. All those months Kurt had spent after their breakup, analyzing every facial movement Blaine made around Kurt, trying to find a deeper meaning in his words when there was none. They were over.

Kurt had moved on.

From the first time Blaine took Kurt's hand, telling him it was a shortcut, but in reality it made them the last ones there. From the time when they sang Baby its Cold Outside and Blaine realized how perfectly their voices meshed together. From the time Blaine had rejected Kurt out of fear for losing what they had. From the time Blaine drunkenly woke up in Kurt's bed and feeling like he was home, or that he would be if Kurt was wrapped in his arms. From their sexy lessons where all Blaine wanted to say was that Kurt was sexy, so sexy when he didn't try, but didn't because he didn't want to give Kurt the wrong idea. From their first kiss where he was so scared because Kurt wasn't kissing him back and he was scared that he was just another Karofsky and then, _whoa. _Kurt kissed him back full on, their tongues met with no battle for dominance and then they separated. Both were blushing as they went in for a second kiss. _Baby penguin my ass thought Blaine_. When Kurt had told Blaine he was leaving Dalton and Blaine refused to cry until Kurt left his dorm room because now he felt truly alone. When he sang somewhere only we know and saw how happy Kurt was, he realized that he'd sacrifice anything to make Kurt happy. And he finally was able to accept that he had done the right thing for Kurt.

Blaine had moved on.

_I'm not sorry there's nothing to save_

And for once Kurt truly wasn't sorry. He wasn't sorry his dad was in the hospital, he wasn't sorry that he will probably never make it in New York, he wasn't sad that he'd never truly fall out of love with Blaine. Because for once, Kurt was truly happy and had no regrets. So he smiled, and for once it was real.

_I'm not sorry there's nothing to save_

When Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes he saw him smile, truly for once in his life. He saw the twinkle in Kurt's eyes. He saw the pure emotion that made him fall in love with Kurt that first time. He saw their past, their present and their future.

_Maybe there is something to save after all._

_a/n _Hi! This could be a oneshot but if enough people want me to continue it I'd love for some prompts. Kthanks!


	2. now you're outside me

_Now you're outside me you see all the beauty…_

"Wow that was great you guys!" said Mr. Schue.

He told them how he really saw the emotion in their voices and all the other praise he gives people when they put all their embarrassing thoughts on the line through song.

Then Rachel and Finn did a duet and so on with the rest of the club. After the meeting had ended Blaine caught up with Kurt.

"Hey! Kurt, wait up!" Kurt looked, slightly confused.

"What? Hey! Don't give me that look, just because we broke up-"

"you dumped me" Kurt corrected.

"Ok, however you want to put it, I don't think that should mean we can't be friends."

Kurt sighed and shook his head, trying to clear his mind and to keep the sting in his eyes at bay. "Blaine, asking to be 'just friends'" Kurt made the air quotes

with his fingers. "after a relationship is kind of like saying 'hey your dog's dead but you can still keep the body'" Blaine retracted as if he'd been slapped. He

needed to make this work. He took a breath and chose his words carefully. "Kurt what we had and what we have will never die. But I might die if I can't be

around you like I used to. Just because I don't love you like that anymore… well it doesn't mean I don't love you!" Kurt was going to cry if he didn't leave

soon, he knew it. He needed to get rid of Blaine. "Blaine, you told me and I quote 'I don't know how to tell someone that I've stopped loving them' when you

broke up with me. That means that you don't love me." Blaine was desperate. He had been able to keep his longing for Kurt and his misery at bay for the

past couple of months but seeing Kurt's eyes, his smile brought back everything he felt for Kurt all over again. He needed Kurt, even if Kurt had moved on.

Even if Kurt was better without him, he just didn't care anymore. "Kurt, please. Just please give me a chance to your friend again. I have missed our coffee

d-meetings. I have missed our Disney marathons, I have missed having someone who truly gets me." _I've missed having you in my arms, I miss our cuddle _

_sessions, I miss being able to kiss you and hold your hand and to know that you're mine. _Blaine obviously didn't speak the last part to Kurt. Kurt hadn't seen

Blaine this honest and pure in a long time. He didn't know whether it was the way Blaine's liquid golden eyes beckoned him, or if it was just the fact that a

part, a big part of Kurt would always love Blaine and would do anything for him. But he knew he'd do anything to made that sad longing look go away in

Blaine's eyes. "Fine. I miss you too Blaine. Can we just go back to the way things were? Before the breakup, before the kiss?" _before you loved me, not before _

_I loved you because I've loved you since that first moment in the Dalton staircase and I'll still love you till the day my heart stops beating. _" Just friends." Kurt

smiled awkwardly, hoping that Blaine would believe that that's all Kurt wanted. Just to be friends. "Of course Kurt!" Blaine jumped and hugged Kurt, he then

kissed his cheek. It was an accident of course, but Kurt recoiled and with a look of anger and confusion. "Oh god Kurt I'm so sorry, its just whenever I used

to hug you, I'd kiss you and I kind of forgot. Oh god.." _had he really done that?_ Thought Kurt. But when Blaine started apologizing any glimmer of hope Kurt

had disappeared. "Blaine its fine. I get it, its like neuromuscular facilitation or something. Just maybe try not to kiss me, last time I checked friends don't do

that" he winked. Kurt then abruptly left. What Blaine did not know was that once Kurt was out of Blaine's eyesight, he stroked his cheek, oh so gently and

smiled just the faintest smile of hope.

* * *

><p>_an short chapter is short. This is the point in the story where its going to turn down a more angsty road. I'm putting trigger warnings here and the rating will go up to T. triggers that will eventually become: cutting (look at the title what did you think I was going to do?), anorexia (maybe) and possible but not likely drug/alcohol abuse. Oh and maybe Burt will die. Review for him to live! Just kidding. Kind of

Oh and I have tumblr. Add me . its mostly a glee blog. Kbye!


	3. i'm not sorry i met you

_I'm not sorry I met you…_

As the days and weeks passed by, Blaine and Kurt grew closer once more. They shared coffee at the lima bean, they laughed and watched musicals together, they were friends. Blaine was very off and on when it came to being attentive to the little things. For instance, when he had just met Kurt, he could tell that Kurt needed someone to talk to about his bullies and troubles. But he was also completely clueless when it came to Kurt liking him. Kurt only hoped Blaine wouldn't question him.

Despite his outfits and loud personality Kurt kind of faded into the background a lot of the time, no one questioned his fashion or his actions. If he always wore long sleeve shirts even in doors where it was boiling hot it must be because long sleeved shirts are in style. If he didn't eat lunch it was because he had a big breakfast, or because he only ate organic greens now and the caf didn't sell that. If he lent you a pencil sharpener and one of the razors was missing, you didn't question it. Kurt knew what he was doing and he was healthy.

Everyone knew that Kurt's dad had taken a turn for the worse but he wasn't letting it affect him. Even Finn was amazed at how Kurt was taking his father's possible death better than Finn was himself, but he didn't question it. You don't question Kurt Elizabeth Hummel.

But Blaine did. It was a Wednesday and it was the first really warm day of spring, everyone else was in shorts and tee shirts, but Kurt was wearing a grey cardigan over his tee shirt, with dark blue jeans.

"Kurt, its beautiful outside! Take off the cardigan!" said Blaine. They were having a picnic in a park near Kurt's house. It really was a lovely day, they were the only people in the small park, Blaine eating some sandwiches and Kurt nibbling on celery. Kurt panicked, he knew this day would come but he wasn't prepared for Blaine to figure it out. He didn't want Blaine to know he was hurting.

"Blaine, tee shirts are completely out of style this season, haven't you read the last vogue. Cardis are in, short sleeves are _out"_ said Kurt, trying to mask the sound of anxiety in his voice. "Kurt that's alie, I recently read the latest vogue and they said the complete opposite of what you just said. New spring tees with 100% cotton and block colors are the new black.. come on just lose the cardigan." "_No" _snapped Kurt. Blaine didn't know what had gotten into him but he made an action to pull Kurt's cardigan off. "Blaine! Stop it, its… its cause I hate my arms ok? I don't want people to see them" it was a bad lie and he hoped for Blaine to buy it, but he didn't he pulled up the sleeve of Kurt's cardigan and gasped. Kurt's wrists were covered in deep, razor blade cuts. Some of them were ugly white scars, some of them were fresh and dark red. They were irritated and red all around from Kurt wearing a wool cardigan in 30 degree weather. Some of the scars were cut over again. They were all different directions and covered his entire left wrist and some of his arm.

"Kurt. I… why?" Blaine sounded so pained and so guilty.

"Can we go talk about this somewhere else? I don't need to breakdown in public." Kurt said calmly, too calmly. "yeah.. of course" So they walked in silence to Kurt's house, then to his room. Once his door was locked Blaine sat on Kurt's bed next to him. He could only muster up one word…

_Why?_

That was it, Kurt broke down in huge tears and couldn't stop. He reached for Blaine and held him like he'd slip away if he didn't. Blaine uttered soothing words throughout the crying session, he knew no one else was home and no one would bother them. He just let Kurt cry it out. After what seemed like forever, Kurt finally calmed down and began to talk.

"When my dad started getting sick, I thought I would break down and become sad all the time, but I didn't. I became numb. Then you dumped me and I became number. Nothing brought me joy. I would smile but it would feel wrong, I forgot what happiness was like" Blaine winced at his words but urged him to continue. "This is in no way your fault Blaine. I loved you and yeah, it killed me a bit to see you every day and know what you're not mine anymore. But you weren't the reason for this"Kurt gestured to his now covered wrist. "I don't know what made me do it the first time. I was so angry and sad I dug my nails into my flesh until it left deep welts. I felt something. Soon after that I was scraping my wrists with pins and it barely bled. Then I found razors. I was so scared someone would find out. I couldn't stop though Blaine. It fixed everything for a little while. Then I got worse. One time I cut too deep and passed out, I know it probably makes no sense to you but it's the only way I can _feel _anything. He started to cry again and so did Blaine. They just held each other for a while, basking in the presence of each other. Then Blaine pulled away, took a breath and asked. "Show me the cuts Kurt." Kurt looked like he was going to say no, but he just nodded, pulling off his cardigan, but still hiding his wrists.

"It's not just the wrists, my ankles, thighs, shoulders, they're all cut up too" said Kurt in a whisper. Blaine just nodded. He gently took Kurt's wrists in his hands and flipped them so he could see the cuts. They were gruesome but he didn't make a face of disgust or judgment. He just looked at them. Then he cautiously brought Kurt's left wrist to his lips and kissed it ever so gently. He let Kurt's wrist gently down, as if it was made of glass and he would break if he wasn't gentle. Kurt was just looking at him.

"Oh god Kurt what happened to us?" cried Blaine. "You stopped loving me." Kurt said, voice shaking. Blaine shook his head and hugged Kurt once more. "I-I could never stop loving you. If I had known. Oh god Kurt if I had known any of this I would never have-" Kurt interrupted him. "Blaine. Please don't." Blaine looked at him, hurt. "please don't make me think I have a chance with you again. It hurts enough seeing you every day and not being able to kiss you, to hug you. It hurts so much. I feel numb every day, and then I see you and I feel again. I feel happiness, which is followed by anguish because I know I'll never have you like I had you junior year." Blaine was stunned. He was feeling the same way.

"Kurt. you have me, you always have had me. I'm not giving you false hope. You've had me since the moment you tapped on my shoulder and asked me about Dalton. You've had me before I had you. I thought breaking up with you was the only way to make you smile again. All I want is to see your smile Kurt." Kurt looked at him, stunned, forgetting that his exposed wrists were in full view of Blaine.

"Why did you think breaking up with me would make me smile?" Kurt was dumbfounded. "I was such a burden to you Kurt, between grades and your dad you were falling apart an di was only adding to the equation with my dad and my troubles. I could see you deteriorating and I just needed you to be happy again" Kurt didn't answer Blaine. He just hugged him tight.

"Kurt. c-can we please go back to the way things were, the real way? When I got to kiss you goodnight and you could trust me with your life? I want to help you through this rough patch. As your boyfriend. Oh please Kurt give me a chance." Kurt just kissed him. Blaine kissed back and it felt like things were going to go back to normal. They were together again. After months of sadness and being numb they were finally no longer two missing puzzle pieces. They were complete.

But happiness can only last so long. And everything crashed down after a certain phone call.

_Is this Kurt Hummel? I'm Jane your fathers nurse. We have some bad news…_

* * *

><p><em>an dun. dun. duun! i really want to kill burt. i probably won't because then this fic would revolve around kurt recovering after that and i want to focus on the self mutilation and kurt and blaine's relationship more.. so review please :) i really value feedback.  
><em>


	4. but there's so much to save

_But there's so much to save…_

"Yes, ok. Is… is he going to be okay?" Kurt went from smiling and real to pale and ghostly within the seconds it took for Kurt to get the information that his father was not doing well. When a person has a heart attack, a part of their heart dies, the more heart attacks a person has, the more likely they are to go into cardiac arrest and die. Burt Hummel's heart was trying but failing at working. For a man with such a huge heart in a metaphorical sense to have such a weak and dying heart in a literal sense was almost ironic in a twisted disgusting way. Burt's chances of living were slim. He needed a heart transplant and he had O negative blood. It would be near impossible for him to have a donor.

The days went by and Kurt was fading again with the knowledge of him becoming an orphan. He would have no one. Except that wasn't true. Kurt had Carol and Finn and Blaine. But they weren't blood family. They would never be Burt Hummel.

Everything just seemed horrible and sad and although there was a chance for a donor for Burt, it wasn't likely. Kurt was told to make his condolences with his father. Kurt had gone completely numb again. Him and Blaine were together, _technically. _It didn't seem it though. They didn't hold hands, they didn't talk, they didn't kiss. They were almost as separate as before they got back together because Kurt was quite literally living at the hospital when he wasn't at school. Burt was still in a coma. Then one day Blaine was doing homework, and he got a call.

"Hello?"

"Blaine? They found a donor. They.. he's going to be alright!"

And it all changed for the better.

For a while at least. For a while they were a couple again in love. They went on dates, held hands. Everything was perfect.

Burt had gotten better and was eventually allowed home, Kurt and Blaine had resumed their relationship full force and were in love. But Blaine had not forgotten the image of Kurt's cut up and mutilated wrists. Whenever Blaine brought it up Kurt would quickly change the subject, saying that he hadn't done it in weeks. He had eventually gotten the confidence to be able to wear short sleeves around Blaine and Blaine only. Blaine had begged Kurt to see a doctor or a therapist about his depression and cutting but he refused and would get icy if Blaine pushed. He didn't know what to do.

* * *

><p>It was a Saturday and they were lying on Blaine's couch, Kurt in a long sleeved but thin cotton shirt. They were watching a movie apparently. But what started out as watching a movie in Blaine's basement quickly turned into them making out on the couch, Blaine trailing kisses down Kurt neck. He eventually got to the collar of Kurt's shirt and reached down to move the fabric covering Kurt's should. Before Kurt could stop him he saw it. They were fresh. They were real. Kurt hadn't stopped. He just had found better ways to hide it.<p>

"Kurt…" Blaine said, just as confused and hurt as the first time.

"How _dare _you Blaine? You have no right to do that. This is my body and if I want to fuck it up I will"

Kurt tried to sound strong and confident but he was already crying, his voice shaking. That's why Blaine didn't snap back or yell, he just grabbed Kurt and held him while he cried.

"god Blaine I'm so fucked up! I don't know why! I don't know why I do this to myself all I know is I can't stop. I love you and I hate myself Blaine. I hate myself so much. I don't deserve you I don't deserve life" Blaine just shushed him, rocking him in his arms "baby you deserve everything. Never say you don't deserve life. You are bigger than life Kurt, you're better than this problem and I'm going to help you to get over it. But before I can help you, you're going to have to help yourself…" Kurt knew what that meant. It meant having to go to a therapist, to tell his father that he'd been cutting up his beautiful skin. He knew his father, carol, Finn none of them would look at him the same after they knew. That's why he didn't tell anyone but Blaine. He didn't want people to think of him as anything but Kurt Hummel. But they were going.

"I.. I can't Blaine. I can't face my dad and tell him. I can't see the look of confusion and disappointment. It will kill me Blaine." Blaine froze at the last words. He had never thought Kurt might actually kill himself. Kurt would never… would he?

"Kurt never say that ever. Never talk about you dying. " he lost his bravado with his question. "you- you've never thought about… or tried?" Kurt averted his eyes and Blaine's eyes grew wider than ever before. He grabbed Kurt, roughly by the arms and forced Kurt to look him in the eye. "Kurt… you can never, ever think about doing that. Why? God Kurt when?"

He let go of Kurt and let him think. Kurt took a breath and rolled his heels a bit, but then looked into Blaine's eyes with sorrow and regret.

* * *

><p>an not the best way to end it but at least i didn't kill burt. he shall live. oh and can i say... THEY KISSED THEY FUCKING KISSED BLESS YOUR COW DARREN CRISS BLESS YOUR FAMILY GLEE LIVE AND OH MY GOD YOU HAD ME AT EMMY TOO CHRIS GAAH HNNNG ok rant over review or i'll cry and be sad :)


	5. changes

"When you left me. I … I just didn't know what to do and it felt like the only option" Kurt could see the disappointment in his boyfriend's eyes. He looked deep into Blaine's eyes and knew that Blaine wasn't going to be able to look at him the same again.

There is a moment before and after one tells someone about suicide. Attempted or succeeded. Whether from a primary or regrettably a secondary source. The moment before is the last memory of how life used to look through the person's eyes when they look at you. The moment after is different for everyone.

For Kurt the look in Blaine's eyes went from the oblivious puppy he has always been, to a shattered version of dapper Anderson trying to look like he wasn't breaking. When he found out Kurt had cut his eyes changed a little. When Blaine found out about Kurt attempting suicide and knowing how serious he was his eyes changed completely. It's hard to explain how one's eyes change but when it is experienced it is the most obvious thing in the world.

* * *

><p>Things changed after that. Kissing Kurt felt wrong, holding his hand felt wrong he couldn't even imagine doing anything intimate with Kurt anymore. Kurt had noticed, he now wore long sleeves around Blaine too. Blaine didn't want to know what was under the sleeves.<p>

Blaine was under a spell. He knew he loved Kurt with all his might. He would kill for Kurt. But the fact that he has, and still was killing Kurt, slowly but surely was killing Blaine. Blaine tried hard to break the spell but he couldn't.

* * *

><p>They Graduated<p>

Rachel was valedictorian. She spoke about love and letting go. She spoke about time healing all wounds.

She spoke about moving on.

Glee club had its last meeting on a Tuesday. There were tears, there were fears, there was laughter and there were memories. Finn was taking over Hummel Tires and Lube. Rachel was moving to New York. They broke up. Sam and Mercedes were going to the University of Ohio together. Tina and Mike were going to med school. Santanna and Brittany were staying with their parents, unsure of what to do next considering neither of them had gotten the grades to go to university or college. They were screwed, basically. Puck tried to clean up his act and went to a college just outside of Westerville for environmental science. Kurt moved with Rachel to New York.

Blaine did not.

Blaine was going to Brown for English. He wanted to be a professor someday. At least that's what he told Kurt when he got his acceptance letter. He never told him he had gotten accepted into NYU for musical theatre . He never told him because Blaine Anderson was a coward.

"We'll still be together, we'll skype every night"

"Yeah, of course Blaine" smiled Kurt weakly. But the truth was they had broken up many months before.

The months passed and Blaine never called. Never emailed. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know how to fix this thing that was so horribly broken.

Kurt tried but Blaine never let him in.

Three months into college and Blaine was failing all his classes. He just didn't care anymore. Nothing mattered except Kurt and he had let his idiocy and naïve youth take Kurt away from him. Three months into college and Blaine realized his mistake. The mistake had taken him almost a year to realize and now he was going to make it better. He called Kurt, praying he still had the same number.

"Hello?"

Rachel answered sounding like she had been crying for hours.

"Um, Hi Rachel its Blaine… have you been crying? Is Kurt okay?"

"No, nothings okay anymore Blaine" cried Rachel

He was too late.

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><p>an so heres the plan: kurt tried to kill himself and may not get better. the thing is i don't really know if i want to continue this story. So i might make it so kurt dies and blaine is to late and then have another maybe three chapter of the funeral and other things and moving on. OR kurt might live, blaine can transfer to NYU and help kurt through his depression and anorexia (was it subtle? idk, but he definitely has it in this fic) and it'll be all happy and slightly angsty. i'm going to go by the reviews i get on this chapter and i'll update soon hopefully. okay? so tell me what you think but if no one reviews i'll just take that as a sign to end the fic and start writing something else. so uhm bye! reveiw!


	6. the letter

a/n: I know I never put these things in the beginning but I'm really sorry I haven't updated in forever I was in a bad place and I didn't want to kill Kurt. Last chapter is what happens if I write when I'm depressed so now I'm getting down to it. I really hope you like it

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><p>"He's in critical condition. He slit his wrists. It's not looking good, he lost a lot of blood…" Blaine just stood there silent and frozen, like a statue while he listened to the doctor explaining that the boy he loved might die. Will probably die.<p>

"Umm, Blaine?" asked Rachel. Her and Blaine had never been close friends since the whole drunken dating fiasco. Rachel was a good person and Blaine was glad Kurt had a good friend in New York.

"Yeah Rachel?" Blaine still didn't like Rachel and whatever she was about to say would probably have no meaning to Blaine. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

"Uh, well Kurt left us all… letters. If I had known… well he wrote you one. I didn't look at it but I really hope you can read it and I really hope if he does make it our of this, that you can maybe be there for him like I can't. it killed him not having you around. I mean- not that it was the reason!" she corrected herself.

"Listen Blaine, just please read it and… don't leave him." And with that she left with the envelope that said 'Blaine' in Kurt's perfect handwriting:

_Blaine, oh Blaine. I love you so much and I know you don't feel like that anymore about me but I need you to know how much I love you. I'd like to think after everything you'd care that I'm gone, I'm not sure but by now I'm gone so I cant be embarrassed by your rejection again so I might as well tell you how I really feel. I've been going through some serious shit this past year. You leaving me killed me. I had never loved someone and it felt as if I had part of my soul being ripped from me when we broke up. Seeing you in the halls killed me and made my day. I thought a lot about why you didn't love me. I thought it was because I am broken. Because I'm ugly and fat. So I stopped eating and I made myself puke after my meals. When I would eat I'd cut because it was my fault for being dirty and ugly. It was my fault you'd never love me. I had lost some weight it wasn't enough of course but you seemed to love me again. I started to let you in again. I started to eat. I'm sorry you left me. I shouldn't have let myself get fat again. I shouldn't have let you know how broken I was. It was my fault. I'm also sorry I let myself break to the point where I had to do this. But I couldn't live without you anymore. The better part of my heart and soul was at brown with you and you didn't even know it. I know I wasn't good enough for you or anyone else. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough but maybe in death I'll be enough to have you love me again even if its just for a second. I love you so much, please love someone as much as I love you. I'll never stop loving you either, I might be dead but fuck, I love you so much and you'll be the last thing on my mind forever. Our first time, our first meeting, our first kiss in that common. That's what will be on my mind when I'm leaving this world. I don't believe in god but maybe if there is one I'll see you after you live a long life with someone else._

_Never forget me, but please forgive me._

_Kurt_

By the time Blaine was finished reading, tears in his eyes he saw the doctor with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Mr. Anderson, we were able to save him. He's on suicide watch and he's very weak but he's going to be okay. He wants to see you"

Something clicked inside Blaine and despite everything,

He smiled.

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><p>so uhm. what did you think? was it okay? review please :)<p> 


	7. hope

"Kurt"

"Blaine, you came" smiled Kurt weakly.

"Of course I came. Kurt how could you ever do that? How could you ever do that to your dad, to Rachel, to me?" the words came out much more angry than Blaine had hoped and Kurt was crying.

"I'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you come all this way for nothing" Blaine's face softened. He went up to Kurt and took his hand lightly.

"Oh god Kurt. I'm so sorry. It wasn't for nothing. You're everything. If I had known-"

"Its always if you had known Blaine. You left me again after I gave you my everything. How could you think that didn't hurt me?" Kurt was sobbing at this point

"I never thought you would kill yourself! I love you so much too Kurt. I was so fucking alone at brown. I hated it and I hated myself for leaving you but I didn't know how to be around you without breaking you." Blaine leant in to hug Kurt but he needed to kiss him. He needed to kiss the pain away even if for just a second. Kurt replied back and they kissed desperately for a while until Blaine broke the kiss, forehead still on Kurt's.

"So what now?" Kurt asked.

"Kurt, I need to tell you something. Rachel, she-she gave me the letter you wrote me" Kurt's face dropped.

"I'm not going to be a coward anymore. I love you too. I want to help you, so… I'm moving to New York at the end of my semester and transferring to NYU" He hoped so hard that Kurt wouldn't push him away. That Kurt would let him help him. Kurt's face was unreadable so he went on.

"I mean Kurt, oh please let me help you, you have severe anorexia and bulimia. You cut yourself and you're depressed. I don't want you to starve yourself or make yourself throw up because you're beautiful." Kurt started crying again and Blaine wiped away the tear with his thumb still holding Kurt's face.

"I-I'm going to move in as close as possible to you and I'm going to help you get through this for real this time. I'm not going to run away. I was scared I was going to make you worse or something. But please, please let me help you " Blaine pleaded.

"Blaine, of course yes. Thankyou. I can't believe you still want me even though I'm so broken."

"you're perfect Kurt" smiled Blaine.

And in that moment Blaine knew that it was going to be hard, but they were going to make it through together.

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><p>2 really short chapters after i didn't update for like a month lol. well as i said please review and tell me what you want because thats the only way i can give it to you :)<p> 


	8. Starting Fresh

It had been two weeks since the incident and Blaine has stayed true to his word. Blaine found a nice little apartment in the same building as Kurt and Rachel. During the week that Kurt had been hospitalized Blaine visited Kurt every day with balloons and chocolates. The first day Blaine had to eat all of them but one but eventually Kurt ate an entire chocolate bar, Blaine had never been so proud.

The day Kurt was released Blaine and him met in Blaine's apartment for a serious talk.

"Blaine.. you know I love you" Kurt began.

"I think we should try again but go slow, I love you with all my heart but I don't want to push either of us." Blaine nodded letting Kurt go on.

"so I propose that we should just be friends for right now. I know, I know I want to be able to kiss you and love you but I don't think either of us should rush into this again like we did last time because…I just cant stand you leaving me again Blaine." Kurt said, his voice shaky. He was so nervous that Blaine would reject him because he didn't want to rush into a relationship or if he didn't want to either it must be because he's fat-no. He cant think like that anymore, that part of his life is over. But what if Blaine didn't want him anymore? What if Blaine couldn't wait for him, or if he just wouldn't. He pondered this while Blaine sat there taking in what Kurt said.

"I understand, please know that I truly do love you Kurt, I always have and I always will. Nothing can change that. I want to marry you one day and adopt children I want to be there when you win your first Tony. I'm always going to be here, I was dead without you, numb, a shell of what you helped me be." Kurt smiled and hugged Blaine tight, Blaine kissed his head.

"Can I ask for one last kiss before we're just friends though? I'm going to need something to get me by love," Kurt laughed, truly laughed for the first time since he can remember and threw Blaine to the floor kissing him silly in a playful manner.

"I'll miss this but we'll get back here eventually Blaine, one day we'll be good again.

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><p>uhm hi i know its been forever and this is super short but i dont really know where to take this from so please reviewpm me and give me some ideas because i'm really at a loss. je t'aime


	9. Cheesecake

"Okay, you're all set up to go to NYU! But honestly Blaine look at this apartment" Kurt looked around the room. The apartment was drab to say the least, Blaine needed some real furniture but hadn't gotten to it yet. He really meant to.

"we need to have a bed bath and beyond date asap" Kurt froze when he realized he said the word 'date'. Him and Blaine were still going slow, not ready for the romantics of a relationship yet. He didn't want to push Blaine and he didn't want to fuck up what they had. They were still best friends in love. The fact that they weren't dating wasn't going to get in the way of them spending every free moment with each other.

"Sorry, not '_date' _date just you know um…" Kurt trailed off.

"yeah I get it"

Kurt was scared he had offended him, was this not going to work out? Why had he let Blaine do this for him, he didn't deserve this he didn't deserve Blaine and Blaine wasn't even getting anything out of this deal. He was useless. Worthless.

His thoughts must have shown on his face because Blaine laughed and gave him a hug.

"Kurt its okay" Blaine mumbled into Kurt's shoulder, still holding him in his arms. Kurt felt safe there, loved.

"I am okay with just this as long as its us, we need to stop feeling like we're walking on egg shells with each other" Blaine ended his sentence by kissing Kurt lightly on the head. Kurt sighed contently

"Okay I know we're going slow but little things like that… I'll just never tire of them. I think I'd shrivel up and fade away without your hugs Blaine, they are like the latest vogue I need them to survive" Blaine rolled his eyes. Even if him and Kurt weren't dating he loved physical contact with Kurt. Yes, it did make him want to kiss him silly and/or ravish him on the cold wooden floor much more but without the hugs and the cuddles even if they were platonic, Blaine needed them. He was so glad Kurt didn't cut that part out of their relationship.

"Hey I got an idea, why don't we just spend the night here on the couch and watch some old movies? Have a lazy night in, I'll make some extra buttery popcorn and we can just bake out on the couch?" Kurt started to panic. He cant have popcorn, its all carbs. And butter.. pure fat, carbs and salt he cant put that into his mouth even sniffing it would cause him to gain ten pounds and then Blaine would leave him again, he's already ugly enough, no, no. Kurt felt that familiar tingle in his wrists he felt the need to punish himself for not giving Blaine what he deserves, a good boyfriend. Kurt forgot that he doesn't matter, only Blaine and Blaine staying forever matters.

"No. no popcorn, please the calories-"

"Kurt!"

"what Blaine?" Kurt snapped. He hadn't eaten all day and he wasn't in the mood for arguing about fucking food. Why does Blaine want him to get fat? So he'll have an excuse to leave him?

Blaine looked like a kicked puppy, he just wanted Kurt to be happy, and healthy.

"Kurt please, please no baby. You need to eat. When was the last time you ate?" Blaine was pleading. Kurt didn't respond for a while, Blaine gave him another look. It was a look of desperation and begging.

"Last time we ate lunch together.." Kurt admitted

"Kurt that was Tuesday, its Wednesday night and all you had at lunch was a salad!"

"It had creamy caeser dressing Blaine, that's nothing but fat and useless energy" _just like me…_

"Kurt, you are beautiful… so beautiful." Blaine was deep in thought.

"Okay… Kurt here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go to the coffee culture and get a wedge of cheese cake" Kurt's eyes popped wide. He loved cheesecake. He couldn't no… he _couldn't._

"And then we are going to share it. Every bite you take I'll take another. Then we're going to cuddle on my bed and watch any musical and or Disney animated film of your choice until you fall asleep in my arms because you are beautiful Kurt, I just want you to get better" Kurt nodded. Oh god…

"I know this isn't going to be easy for you, I'm not going to force you to eat all of it if you cant." Kurt was shaking with fear. Fear of cheesecake? Kurt Hummel… afraid of nothing but cheesecake! The thought made him laugh, full out laugh to the point where his sides hurt, Blaine looked at him quizzically.

"is there something on my face or something?" Blaine laughed. It was just good to see Kurt smile. Nothing was more beautiful than Kurt's smile.

"Nothing, nothing just my crazy brain" Kurt replied. Blaine smiled. Hugged Kurt again. He loved holding Kurt.

Finally he broke off the embrace.

"Okay I'm off I'll be about 10 minutes…" Blaine hesitated.

"I know I shouldn't say this because we're just friends right now but … Kurt you are so beautiful just the way you are and always have been, please let me help you. I love you Kurt" Kurt looked at Blaine with love in his eyes, but they were also clouded with confusion, he just couldn't understand.

And with that Blaine was off.

Kurt sat down on Blaine's couch and started hyperventilating then sobbing uncontrollably.

_So this is what a panic attack feels like…_

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><p><em>omg how sad is it that i dont update for like a month then decide to write almost 1000 words of angst. i'm the worst this was supposed to be fluffy i promise. please come love me in the review box so i can feel happy and stuff :) <em>


	10. Cheesecake part 2

_Pull yourself together Kurt. You cant be weak you have to be strong for Blaine. He's going to be back in less than five minutes pull yourself together. _

Kurt chanted this to himself until he finally calmed down to soft sniffles without free flowing tears.

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><p>Blaine was worried. Was he pushing Kurt too far with the cake? But Kurt needed to enjoy the simple pleasures of life if he was going to get better.<p>

_How could I be so blind? I cant believe I just believed that Kurt would magically get better. I cant believe I believed Kurt when he seemed to magically get better. I just want to love him and for him to love himself._

Blaine arrived at the second cup and said hello to Martha the barista.

"The usual?"

"Uhm yeah and can I get a slice of… chocolate cheesecake?" asked Blaine.

"'Course sweetie! That'll be 12.35" Blaine gave her the money and left. He knew this wasn't going to be easy. Its not just cake, Blaine knew that. This was going to be hard for Kurt. He wouldn't push him but he knew that Kurt wasn't going to be able to do this on his own. It would be a first step on a long journey to recovery.

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><p>"Hey I'm home- Kurt!" Kurt was sitting on the couch, he had obviously been crying.<p>

Blaine placed the coffee and cake down then ran over to Kurt.

"Oh baby what's wrong?" Blaine cooed holding Kurt in his arms.

"I'm so sorry Blaine! I just, if I eat this I know you say you love me now but if I eat this I'll gain weight I _cant _gain weight Blaine I'm huge! I know you say size doesn't matter but when I'm a whale I wont expect you to want to even look at me, I wont want to look at me.." Blaine was put back. Is this truly what went through Kurt's mind when it came to food? Did Kurt honestly not see his ribs poking out through his skin, his skeleton-like appearance?

"Oh Kurt.. I love you so much. You are so beautiful to me. But you know what _isn't _beautiful? Being in love with a walking skeleton. I love you and the way you look Kurt, you're beautiful. You know I love you even if we're being platonic at the moment. I love you and I'd love you no matter what. You are so thin though Kurt, its not beautiful its tragic and I don't see the Kurt I love anymore. I love your heart and soul not your exterior. I will never leave you again Kurt. Never." Blaine was looking deeply into Kurt's eyes now, trying to get his message through. Kurt had, for the most part calmed down so Blaine went over to get the cheesecake.

"For every bite I'll take another. I know you love chocolate cheesecake Kurt, its always been your favorite" Kurt was breathing steadily.

Blaine brought the cheesecake slice over the Kurt and sat beside him. He gave him the fork and looked at him.

The first bite Kurt took was small, he took at long time to chew and swallow it.

"You are the most beautiful person I know" Blaine murmured, then took a bite.

Another bite and another compliment.

_Your eyes are like glass pools_

Another bite

_Your skin is so soft I could kiss it for days_

Another bite

_Your hands are so delicate and they will always hold my heart_

Another bite

_You are so gorgeous sometimes I truly wonder if you're an angel._

Finally the slice was eaten after about 20 minutes. Kurt cried. He willed himself to not think about calories or working out or purging or cutting because he didn't deserve Blaine. He let Blaine hold him.

"This isn't going to be easy is it?" asked Kurt.

"No, but when has convenience ever stopped our love?" Blaine smiled.

"We really suck at being just friends eh?" It was true though. Blaine was holding Kurt in his arms tight. Kurt's face was nuzzled into the crook of Blaine's neck. They didn't look platonic at all but it didn't really matter right now.

"Hm.. but this. Just _this. _Its what we need right now. I don't know what we are Kurt, but I know I love you. I also know that us dating would be a horrible idea right now because that would add stress to your life and I cant do that to you. But please don't think that's because of you, if I could I'd marry you right now." Blaine was surprised at his own words. As true as they were. If Blaine didn't think that Kurt needed time alone then he would get down on one knee and propose. But he wanted to give Kurt a proper wedding, after he graduated and had the money to give Kurt a fairy tale wedding. The wedding that he deserved.

"And one day I _do _plan on marrying you, Kurt Hummel. One day when I have enough money to give you a proper wedding and when you are healed. When we can both be each other's forever."

Kurt smiled.

"I like that plan"

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><p><em>so what did you think? do you like how its going? review and all that jazz :)<em>


	11. I've got one thing to say

_One Year Later_

It was a beautiful day in the city. 2pm in November. The sky was blue and clear. The grass was dirty as hell but Kurt didn't mind just one bit. About one year had passed since he got back from the hospital for his suicide attempt. He could still see the scars from last year.

_This scars just a fleck on my porcelain skin_

Battle wounds, Blaine would call them. Each little white line showed a story of something he lived through. Blaine was his lifeline. There for every sound of laughter that came out of Kurt's mouth. There for every sob of frustration. He was there when the scale said things Kurt didn't want to hear. He was there when Kurt excused himself right after a meal to use the washroom. He was there to stop Kurt from hurting himself. But eventually he didn't have to worry about Kurt hurting himself.

The thoughts would always be there.

_Fat_

_Worthless_

_Stupid_

"Gorgeous_" _Blaine would say every day.

Every day he would remind Kurt.

"Perfect"

He would smile as Kurt looked in the mirror, biting his lip.

"Brilliant"

He would insist after Kurt got his first C

And then a year passed.

And all was well. He didn't see it coming, the ordinary lifestyle they had. One day Blaine woke up, saw Kurt and realized it.

_We're going to be ok_

_We_

_Together_

Blaine's eyes brightened and he woke Kurt up.

"Kurt! Kurt!"

Kurt looked at him lazily, they had just moved in with each other two months ago and he was already regretting Blaine's eagerness in the morning. Especially with what they had been doing last night, he needed his sleep.

"What Blaine?" Blaine paused for a second, contemplating what he was going to say then put on a face.

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing isn't it wonderful?" he was bouncing on the bed now.

"You're acting like a five year old" Kurt laughed.

"You sure didn't think that last night" Blaine said as he waggled his eyebrows and Kurt hit him with a pillow. Blaine fell beside Kurt and smiled.

"Okay you sleep. I'm going to be back in two hours and be ready to go out for the night of your life!"

Blaine then kissed his cheek and got dressed. Kurt was back asleep before Blaine shut the door.

"Kurt! Wake up!" ugh. Blaine was going to be the death of him.

"Come on we're celebrating!"

"What are we celebrating?" Kurt asked shaking his head. Blaine just tugged him along and made him get dressed as quickly as possible which still took about an hour and a half.

When Kurt was finally ready Blaine made true to his promise.

It was 2pm on a Sunday. November in the city. Autumn leaves falling from trees, chilly weather. Perfect for cuddling.

Blaine brought Kurt to every museum he liked, shopped with him in every little shop, made him eat cheesecake from 3 different cafés. They spoke and laughed and finally Kurt realized he was in the middle of central park.

Blaine was thinking. A year had passed and Kurt was still perfect. Normal. Normalcy was perfection in his eyes. Kurt was happy most of the time and he was happy too. They were both very financially stable despite being two artists in New York. Blaine had gotten into a major theatre company 6 months ago thanks to his warbler connections and was making enough money to provide for them both, he was cast to replace the current tony in West Side Story. Kurt was happy, he was happy. There were hardships though. Kurt would still soemtimes weigh himself and his lip would tremble. Blaine would assure him that he is perfect and not fat at all. Kurt was still underweight by most standards for men but he was healthy. Kurt had always been a little thin anyways.

_Live through this and you wont look back_

And then he got the courage finally to say it. Life was treating them well, he knew this was the moment.

_I've got one thing to say and so I'll be brave_

Kurt Hummel.

Will You Marry Me?

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><p>So yes. This is the end. No sequel or anything don't worry. But just in case you hate cliffhangers ending i can tell you what happened to them. Kurt said yes, Blaine became popular on broadway, Kurt eventually following in his footsteps and they became the Broadway power couple, they adopted a little girl and named her Kate. Burt cried at his sons wedding and called Blaine his son in his speach. They lived happily ever after. With a few bumps along the road of course but it was worth it because there was <em>so much to save.<em>


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